August 9, 2010

resolve

"A lot of us first aspired to far-ranging travel and exotic adventure early in our teens; these ambitions are, in fact, adolescent in nature...Thus, when we allow ourselves to imagine as we once did, we know, with a sudden jarring clarity, that if we don't go right now, we're never going to do it. And we'll be haunted by our unrealized dreams and know that we have sinned against ourselves gravely." 
- Exotic Places Made me do it [by way off Rolf Potts' Vagabonding]
I've never heard of the author of the "Exotic Places" book I quoted above, but he read my mind. This week has been hell. It's been seven days that I've been trying to navigate my next move and every night I've gone to sleep thinking that things will get figured out the next day.

Well, things are finally figured out. I'm going. And I'm going alone.

There is a lot of variables left to figure out, but I'm still going to go to China. I am experiencing that "sudden jarring clarity," it's difficult for me to trust and to know that this is the right decision after all that I've been through this week. But I have to do this.

I'd by lying if I said I wasn't scared. Hell, I'm terrified. I have to believe that this is a good fear -- I know I'm about to embark on the most spectacular of adventures. I have to wonder though, is this just me being foolish? Is this a smart and safe decision? I guess it depends on who you ask. I have to have faith that this is my intended route.

All this extra time in the states has granted me even more time with my family and some of my friends. It's still difficult to explain the situation to people, but at least I'm inching closer to a resolution. I'm using my birthday (August 30) as a mile-marker of sorts -- I will either be in N.D. or Washington DC (most likely in DC working to obtain my visa) and by then I should have my flight booked to Shanghai for the first week or so in September.

August seems like an endless expanse of time and space right now. July went so quickly knowing I only had 30 days left at home. Now I feel like the next 30 days is so much time, but I have a lot to accomplish.

I've decided to re-vamp the look of this blog to better reflect the change in perspective I now have on this endeavor. I've had to seriously question my motives and desires for going and I thankfully have amazing family and friends who haven't been afraid to challenge my rationale. I finally feel with a discernible amount of certainty that this is what I need to do.

Granted, I won't feel confident about this until my passport has a page for the employment visa and then is stamped once I arrive in Asia, but any great opportunity to learn comes with a hearty dose of uncertainty. In the next month, I need to surrender to the unknowns.

Going back to my very first post, "I'm not crazy, I promise." Maybe I am crazy. At this point, I can't really tell. But I need to go and find out for myself if this is really what I'm meant to do. And in the long run, this is nine months of a lifetime. That's one school year, a pregnancy, three seasons -- definitely do-able.

So off I go to try again. I'm really not crazy, right?

1 comment:

  1. Definitely are, but then again what a subjective word..

    ReplyDelete